My Mama Always Used to Say, ‘LIFE IS LIKE AN AN ETERNAL BATTLE AGAINST JERKING OFF ALL THE TIME’
by Admiral Fartmore
(book assigned by Beau Dashington)
Editor’s note: Tugging feels nice.
I went abroad for work a few weeks ago, and to help me keep faithful to my gal while away, Beau Dashington was kind enough to lend his copy of “Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, a conservative Christian anti-masturbation guide. I actually quite admire Beau for his determination and work ethic, even if he can be a little slow at times. Upon first flipping through the book, I noticed that the pages got less crusty as they went along. Less stained. Less pancake-batter-smelling. I was excited. If the book had helped Beau, maybe I could finally turn my life around too. And so I dove into “Every Man’s Battle” with high expectations.
The last sex guide I read for this club was Roosh V’s seminal work, Day Bang. That’s a book about finding women to bang while it’s daylight. Though the books’ goals are explictly very different, there are actually some surprising parallels. The authors each have a strict routine for you to follow. Both disdain masturbation. They have plenty of anecdotes from men they’ve helped before. They are talking about issues we ALL face. And you know what? They used to be just like you, too. They both approach sex preoccupied with third parties: “Every Man’s Battle” recommends that you bang 1 woman to impress Jesus, and Roosh V. recommends you bang LOTS OF women to impress your buddies.
Snakeoil salesmen love your jizz, and Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker are part of a long line of brave men committed to defending the integrity of our precious bodily fluids. The weiner is a serious source of anxiety for a lot of men, and it’s something everyone’s got an opinion on. The goals vary, but the common thread is this: they can harness your jizz to turn your life around. Arterburn and Stoeker claim that you should cut down on masturbation to help control your sex drive and make you less likely to approach women, which actually directly contradicts what Mr. Roosh V. taught me back in Day Bang: you should cut down on masturbation so that you are hornier and more prone to approaching women. Huh. The same thing produces opposite effects depending on who you talk to? It’s almost like all these people have no idea what they are talking about.
Many people will tell you it’s bad, but they don’t seem to agree on the reasons why. Hm. It’s almost like jerking off is just a really common thing you can manipulate lonely people into feeling guilty about.
Anyway, Arterburn and Stoeker consider masturbation sinful. I’m paraphrasing here, but God said something along the lines of “put your jizz in your wife and not your in socks.” You also shouldn’t think about sex and you shouldn’t look at anything remotely sexy unless it involves your wife. That’s called mental foreplay and is just as bad as infidelity itself. Instead, you should have a mind as pure and clean as Forrest Gump (more on this later). If you continue the path of the masturbatory sinner, things aren’t going to end well: sex with your wife will be worse, your neighbours will have less respect for you, you won’t be as driven in your career, and you will burn in hell for all eternity.
Be like Forrest. Not like Lieutenant Dan.
But if you manage to turn things around, well then oh baby: you’re gonna have to warn your wife, ‘cause you’re gonna have so much extra jizz for her! This is not a joke, they genuinely do recommend that you warn your wife about all the extra jizz you’ll have for her.
This book is a guide, of sorts, and so in addition to lots of moralistic admonishments they recommend you do certain things in order to stop jerking off so much. I’ve condensed the main action items here (in order of increasing strangeness.)
- Generally, don’t be a psychopath. There are a lot of confessions in this from the authors and other men about things like ogling the dripping asscracks of sweaty joggers, making excuses to go to certain stores to check out the sexy clerks, and jerking off to sun-bathing neighbours or sleeping sisters-in-law. I think it’s fair to tone down this stuff. If you are racing home from work every single day to have a jerk session to your sunbathing neighbor, then I would say yeah, sure, you should maybe change your behavior. Some confessions here:
“Every man’s battle.”
- Don’t use prostitutes. They don’t elaborate too much on this, but you shouldn’t use prostitutes. Be like Forrest Gump and avoid women that taste like cigarettes.
- Don’t flirt with women. In fact, avoid normal human reaction with them as much as possible. Deliberately turn yourself into a witless simpleton whenever a woman appears. In short, emulate Forrest Gump:
Stupid is as stupid does-to-contain-the-overwhelming-urge-to-jerk-off-whenever-a-woman-speaks.
- Avoid sexy stuff that isn’t even necessarily meant for you. There’s a lot of concern here about sexiness in media and how it invites sin into your brain. Don’t look at anything that has a woman in a bikini, ever. He even recommends avoiding looking at another woman’s outfit if your wife points it out to you. Sports are okay, but you should look away from the TV during commercial breaks. I’m not sure their position on women’s beach volleyball. Either way, have the mental fortitude of Forrest Gump and turn away.
Stoeker sure knows how to make a gal feel special.
- I found this one particularly off-putting, but: keep a picture of your wife at age 1 on your desk as a reminder to have sex with only her. Arterburn’s argument is that a woman saved her “secret garden” for you, which you are “polluting and littering” by masturbating. You should respect and celebrate that sacred gift. So you should look… at a picture of her as a baby… to be reminded of her innocence… and then you’ll be more dedicated to puttin’ down the porn and properly poundin’ that puss. I don’t know:
- Keeping up so far? Good, because now it’s time for the most important task of all: don’t watch Forrest Gump. Yes, according to Arterburn and co., Forrest Gump is actually riddled with temptation:
Did we watch the same movie? If you don’t remember the scene, here’s a refresher:
This is sexy?
This is the kind of sexy media you should be watching? The scene is a little boy sitting on a swingset in the dark, listening to pigsqueals as his poor mother does what she can to get him into school. The principle rubs it in his face, Forrest mimics the sounds, and you can’t really tell if he’s doing it out of spite or just because he’s simple. It’s the second flashback of the film, and it introduces you to one of the main themes: how Gump’s innocence collides with the harsh realities of an unfair world. It’s not sexy, it’s uncomfortable as fuck. It didn’t give me a boner at age 8 and it sure as hell doesn’t now. What’s more, Sally Field isn’t even in the shot
My erection cannot be contained.
This whole thing is made stranger by the fact that Forrest Gump is the only movie that “Every Man’s Battle” actively recommends you do not watch. Yes, Forrest Gump. This is despite the fact that the IMDB “Sex and Nudity” guide suggests it may actually be the least sexy movie ever made:
Which scene do you think is sexiest? When Forrest touches the boobie and blows his load? When the prostitute that tastes like cigarettes calls Tom Hanks a retard, starting a screaming match with his suicidal, legless war buddy? What about when Jenny wakes up in bed with a man and considers jumping to her death? Man, my motor is running just THINKING about it!
Sex in Forrest Gump is dark, filled with personal compromise and regret. People use it to get by in a cruel and unfair world. The only sex scene in the movie where one of the characters isn’t being humiliated is when Gump and Jenny finally bang for real. But even then, she’s gone the next morning, leaving Gump to run across the country in shame. And then she dies of the AIDs.
The movie actually perfectly reinforces this book’s message: you should give ALL of your jizz to Jesus one woman, otherwise bad things happen. Jenny gave her lady jizz to many different men (granted, many probably were named Jesus) and look what happened to her – dead (from the AIDs.)
On the other hand, Forrest Gump saves his jizz for Jenny alone. This devotion carries him through the entire movie and rewards him with the final payload; his jizz turns into a baby that isn’t retarded.
Forrest’s final reward for his devotion; a generational overcoming of his character’s central challenge.
And so that’s the final nail in the coffin for me. “Every Man’s Battle” is essentially a guide to being Forrest Gump that also recommends you not watch Forrest Gump. I guess he and Jenny did bang out of wedlock, so that’s bad. But then again, technically Forrest Gump the man never watched Forrest Gump the film, so he’s in the clear there. Ah, whatever. And sorry if all the Forrest Gump talk in this review made you too horny to continue your day.
Guess life really is like a box of chocolates. You never know what Piece of Shit you’re gonna get.