I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for ISIS Cream
by Beau Dashington
(book assigned by Admiral Fartmore)
Editor’s note: with this first post in over a year commences our soft come back; soft just like Beau’s penis. Well, soft until he started reading this book anyway.
We fucked up.
I admit it. We totally fucked this up. We haven’t posted a review in months. It was mostly because of Admiral Fartmore. Honestly. It all started when we tried to make him review a book by this asshole, and it caused a breakdown that took almost a year to address. And the only other member of this book club – Peartree – was there and making the situation worse. I can’t remember how. The point is, this everyone’s fault but mine.
But here we are, ready for a soft reboot of this dog-and-pony show so that we can get to work and review the biggest pieces of shit we can find. Because if we don’t do that, what’s the point in living?
We thought we’d jumpstart things with something topical. And what could be more topical than a book about two ISIS terrorists fucking each other in the desert? We hear a lot about jihad in the news, but this review is going to be 100% jizzhad. An interesting fact, did you know that in most photos, ISIS fighters pose with a single finger raised? Many people think this is a sign for the Islamic concept of tawhid, which at its most basic is the principle that there is only one God. Really, though, it stands for 100% jizzhad.
ISIS – 100% jizzhad
Before we dive into this review, lets acknowledge one thing. The Syrian and Iraqi conflict is a brutal one, which in recent years has caused hundreds of thousands of completely unnecessary deaths. There is nothing funny about that. But this book isn’t really about the war in Syria and Iraq. The author of ISIS: A Love Story is quick to point this out as well, and encourages readers to donate money to organizations like Doctors Without Borders who are working to alleviate that suffering. We agree, but we’re not going to get preachy about it, don’t worry. But we do encourage you to support anyone seeking to peacefully address the suffering in Syria and Iraq.
The war isn’t funny. But there is something inherently funny about the idea of two terrorist holy warriors falling in love and banging. And so allow me to set the scene for you… Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Aleppo, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. Or some shit. So there are two star-crossed lovers; Ali and Majnun. They find themselves trapped in the ranks of ISIS, and they’re not crazy happy about it. They fight in battles and kill some dudes, but when they see ISIS execute some people for being unbelievers, they can’t help but feel that they joined the wrong social club, and maybe they’d be better off somewhere else.
Ali and Majnun: hot, bothered, and ready to start fucking.
They meet during training, and quickly form a tight bond. After a battle, they are both given child slave brides, but they realize that for some reason, they just aren’t attracted to women. Now the plot starts to waver a bit here, but bear with me. Ali and Majnun find a box of old pornos. They start reading Hustler and Penthouse and they get all turned on by the naked American women. After getting all hot and bothered, they take off their clothes so they can jerk off. Its only then that they check out each other, realize how hot they both are, and start banging.
Now I know what you are thinking. Where does someone find a bunch of old porno in the middle of ISIS territory? Its not that crazy. When the US Military assassinated Osama Bin Laden, they reported finding a gigantic stash of old milf porn on his computer. So there probably are loads of ISIS dudes jerking it to Penthouse. A bit more of a confusing question would be why these two guys got turned on by pictures of women, only to suck each others Johnsons. But who am I to question the intricacies of love?
The New York Post: the finest source of news if you really can’t find any other sources of news.
Our two star-crossed lovers try to flee ISIS territory, but realize they will never make it. Fearing execution at the hands of ISIS, and knowing they will never make it to the West, they volunteer for a suicide mission. Rather than targeting the enemies of ISIS, they realize that ISIS is the true enemy of people like them, and they target ISIS soldiers instead, killing themselves by taking out their former commanders.
That’s basically it, and it comes in at a quick 100 pages or so. Although not a great book, it also isn’t terrible. The author generally tries to humanize the characters, and that is commendable, since its an approach that few take. But one question lingers: is this cheap exploitative trash, or is this book helping to humanize people who are often depicted as heartless monsters? This book isn’t simply some piece of trash about a chick fucking a dinosaur, or an astronaut fucking the moon. The sex scenes are tasteful, and the author does try to make the emphasis the love between the two men, and not simply talk about them ramming each other in the desert.
Its not the best book ever written, and some may cricitize it for that and say that is bad or wrong. But hey, if two men with beards banging in the desert is wrong, who wants to be right?
By the way, if anyone from ISIS is reading this then I am totally with you guys and I’m not insulting your beliefs in anyway. But I’m not really into the jizzhad thing so please stop messaging me.
Beau Dashington 07/11/2016