There Can Be Only Two
(5/10)
by Beau Dashington
(book submitted by Peartree)
Editor’s Note: I wonder if fat vampires have to pay for blood just as fat chicks have to pay for sex…
Did you know that there are two books called Fat Vampire? I mean, what are the odds? When Peartree told me I was going to have to review Fat Vampire for my next book, I was flabbergasted, flustered and flummoxed. Firstly, there’s a book by Adam Rex which is about a vampire who is fat. Secondly, there is a series of books by Johnny B. Truant which are about a fat person who is a vampire. It’s very confusing, and it’s impossible to tell the two apart. For starters, both are about the obese undead, and both authors have names which are suspiciously fake.It’s interesting to note that both books start with roughly the same premise; the main character is fat and a vampire, and therefore, gets picked on by other people, even though they’re a motherfucking child of the night. Its also interesting to note that both books seem have a plot based almost entirely on this picture
Both books are based on the simple premise: what would happen if a vampire was fat? Would they still be sexy? Would they be able to run and hunt people? Would they be able to get thin, if they exercized? And wouldn’t it be a fun and original idea to find out the answers to all these questions? Just to summarize, the answer from both books for these questions is as follows: not much, no, sometimes, no, and no.
In both cases, the book is generally meant to slot into the vampire canon of literature alongside other greats, that asked questions like: what if an old man became a vampire? What if a baby became a vampire? What if a gangster became a vampire? What if the President of the United States was a vampire? No, wait, what if the President of the United states wasn’t a vampire, but he liked to kill vampires?
From the moment that I found out that there were two Fat Vampire books, I knew that I had to determine which was the real Fat Vampire book, and which was the imposter. My first stop was to go to GoodReads and find out which one is the original gangster.
As you can see, it turns out that Johnny B. Truant’s book is better rated, but Adam Rex did it first. I thought it would be interesting to read some of the reviews, to try and work out why Johnny Truant’s book is more highly rated. And this is the first review of the Johnny B. Truant imposter Fat Vampire book:
They did, Joe. Adam thought of it first. My boy Adam had that idea fucking years ago while you were still chowing down on Lucky Charms before going to kindergarten. He’s written more Fat Vampire books than you’ve had hot dinners. And he did it first. Who cares if someone else came along and got better ratings on GoodReads by stealing an idea and re-doing it? Stealing someone else’s idea has never worked, except in the case of Alexander Graham Bell, Steve Jobs, Guglielmo Marconi, and the Prophet Mohammad as well as many of the most successful people in history. Just because Johnny B. Truant (if that is his real name) did it better doesn’t mean shit to me, or my boy Adam. We’re super tight now, I can tell.
Me and my boy Adam are going to go have some beers and forget about this whole mess because we don’t care what you think. I’m sick of society judging me for being different (a horse), and Adam is too. He hasn’t said that explicitly since I have never been in direct contact with him, but I can tell. Because we have a special connection, and no one can break that, not you, not Johnny Truant, and not even Barack Obama or the Devil or somebody (although they’re probably all the same thing).
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Oh wait, I almost forgot to review the book. It’s a story about a kid called Doug, who is a chubby teenager. He gets turned into a vampire one night, and because of that, he is doomed to be fat forever since vampires don’t age or change physically. He gets picked on and called ‘Meatball’ by his classmates, including the quarterback Victor, who is actually the vampire who turned Doug. Along the way, he hangs out with his bro Jay, as well as a new Indian exchange student called Sejal who was sent to America after “contracting the Google”, an ailment whereby she couldn’t stop googling herself. They end up looking for Doug’s vampire ancestors, they kinda try to date a bit, and the ending is a bit violent.
Perhaps it’s not a masterpiece, but it’s not a Piece of Shit™ either. My one criticism would be that the book has trouble deciding if it is about teenage angst, or something else entirely, and as such, the tone feels a bit inconsistent. But, it has lots of popular culture jokes about Star Wars and stuff, and lots of good reviews on various websites. People who like vampires will find lots to like. So read it. Or don’t. Whatever.
Also, after I’d finished this review, I realized there’s a third fat vampire book. And a fourth. For fuck’s sake.
Oh my god, how did I not know that Adam Rex was writing a new novel until it showed up on my desk???
I just finished Fat Vampire but Adam Rex, and I agree. This book wasn’t shit and I’m very tempted to read his other books, even if it’s a children’s book. I’ll read it to my little siblings. If I ever read the other books based on a fat vampire I’ll probably always be bias to Adam’s book and call it my favorite no matter what.