If Wishes Were Horses
By Beau Dashington
(book chosen by Admiral Fartmore)
Editor’s Note: What if all these bad books are great books in Piece-of-Shit™ form?
ATTENTION: To ensure you are in tune with the metaphysical nature of this review, please be sure to play this shamanistic chant as you begin your spiritual journey.
There’s a lot about this world that we simply don’t understand. The moon goes round the sun, a baby is born as if by magic, tide goes in tide goes out… The list of things that science can’t explain is endless. And in spite of the godless atheists trying to convince us otherwise, the spiritual among us know that there is something more to this old world of ours. This book tackles these issues head-on, and poses a question that those of us stuck in the rat-race rarely have time to ask: what if you were a horse and you didn’t realize it?
What if You Are a Horse in Human Form? is written by Jason the Horse, a man who woke up one day and realized he was a horse trapped in a human body. All of Jason’s life, he felt an odd connection to horses, until one day the truth dawned on him that he really was a horse after all. As such, Jason realized he was forced to “come out of the stall” and tell his family that trapped inside this normal boy was a horse trying to come out. And after finally admitting to himself he was a horse, he was hot to trot.
But, I hear you asking, how did he know he was a horse? What about us? How would we know if we were actually horses? Jason the Horse gives us a few indicators to look for, including the following:
- An ineffable but powerful knowing that one is a horse
- Having trouble using your thumbs
- Walking continuously on all fours
- “Having a strange combination of medical conditions that, taken together, point to one’s being a horse.”
- The feeling of having a “phantom tail” that you can never see
- Finding yourself trying to canter
- Getting an eerie feeling every time you visit “horse country”
- Being “propositioned” by stallions or mares
So basically, if you act like a horse, then you might be one. Also, if other horses think you’re hot and they want fuck you, that’s a good sign. Well, it’s a good sign if you want to be a horse. If not, this might cause you some problems. But Jason the Horse isn’t all about horse fucking. Rest assured; this is not one of those books where the author fucks a wild beast. Jason the Horse’s love for horses is purely platonic and legit. He isn’t here to horse around.To explore his horsehood, Jason began working with Deborah (a human horse-psychologist). Through using ancient shamanistic rituals, they discovered that there were actually horse-humans all over the place, and that they were sent there by the Horse Ancestors. And why were they sent? The answer is, of course, “horse espionage”, or as I prefer; horse-pionage. But this is a good kind of horse-pionage, so don’t be scared. Its perfectly innocent. The horses just want to know what we’re up to.
According to Jason and Deborah, this is what you need if you want to get in touch with the Horse Ancestors: Firstly, get a crystal. Purple crystals work the best, for some reason that Jason and Deborah forgot to mention. Second, put on a “cassette tape of shamanistic chants.” Use the one above if you find yourself in the twenty-first century and don’t know where to get cassettes. Jason advises that you should “keep the mind centered on horse-imagery, horse-ideas, [and] horse-emotions.” Heed the advice of the Horse Ancestors and do as they say; don’t look your gift horse in the mouth. Trust in them, and you will run free like the stallions of old.Like Jason, I too feel the pains of being surrounded by people who don’t understand and being trapped in a labyrinthine society of indifference. The simple life of a country work horse seems appealing compared to this 9-to-5 rat race. Is time for me to “come out of the stall” like Jason suggested? I think the answer is clear: yes.So I decided to talk the bold walk (or trot) out of the stall. My first step was to contact my family and tell them the news. I emailed my mother and father.
My mother was the first to respond.
My father was confused but supportive.
The second step was to tell my friends; to go public and let the world know that I was discovering my inner horse-human. They weren’t as accepting as my family after I announced publicly that I was a horse.
Of course, not everyone is receptive to people who are different. The road that we horse-humans must trot is a difficult one, strewn with potholes of ignorance that can break your horse-shoes of virtue. Some people, especially these former “friends,” are simply uneducated and ignorant about equine ways. But don’t let these nay-sayers get you down; because in this world there are many true neigh-sayers like me and Jason to support you on your canter to spiritual release.
Jason’s last message in the book finalizes for the reader Jason’s quest. He reveals that he has lost much of his family, and that he is burdened by disability. Life sucks sometimes. Our bodies break and hold us back, those we care about disappoint or die, and the world itself seems callous and indifferent. And if, for Jason, deciding to be a horse every now and then makes the existential pain of life go away for a while, then who the fuck am I to say he is wrong?
As Jason says, “We horses have our work cut out for us, but we do not struggle alone, for the Horse Ancestors watch over us and guide us. “
Neigh-men, brother. Neigh-men.