#28 – “The Legend Of The Leopard Boy” by Don Johnson

For any long time readers out there you may be shocked to see a rating above 5.0. But yes, that is not a typo. Although certainly a Piece Of Shit™, it has managed to join the ranks of sequels which have bested their originals such as Superfudge, Lord Of The Dance, Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit and World War 2.

Once again Don Johnson’s novel follows a gimcrack bunch of bi-curious and homosexual lads on a paint-by-numbers adventure to find a dreamed up treasure. But through all of the poor editing, shit syntax, and plot inconsistencies there is still something special. That specialness comes from his uncanny ability to make the same jokes you would with your friends. Familiar inside jokes which came about through shared experiences and bonding. Reading Johnson is like waking up with a really bad hangover and reading through a transcript of the drunken conversation you had last night while binge drinking with your mates. You know, the kind of hangover where you are profoundly and spiritually exhausted and your beer shit could have passed through a tennis racket. One of those.

At 68 pages it’s obvious he doesn’t waste time with insipid opulence; poring over details, setting up scenes in our minds eye, painting lustrous, vivid worlds for us to escape in. No, instead we have “He was chained up against the wall, which was rocky and cave-like just like the inside of a rocky cave.” But that’s ok, it leaves room for the real meat and potatoes. Namely, dick and ball jokes. But not necessarily direct jokes about the male reproductive organ, no, they have substance, some girth to them. Some jokes you don’t even realise are jokes until you see that the main part, the structural support, the tent pole of the story is a dick joke. In the wrong hands these jokes can be crass and too all over your face, but the author has refined the handiwork of his early efforts, polishing his literary banister by no longer shooting himself in the foot with too many lewd thinly veiled euphemisms.

This time around the all male, dick strutting cast of characters which although different from the first book, In The Heat Of The Cock Pit, all have the same names. There is Brady the proprietor of The Fox-Hole, a dancing boys club where Steve Heat shakes it for nickels. Will, an idiot who works behind the bar or something, Blake the midget bathroom attendant, and Logan the drunken loser who gets loser drunk and grabs Steve Heat’s penis. Essentially they all go on a treasure hunt with Pawan, Blake’s hairdresser who becomes a gibbering nonsensical mess and Devin, a for-hire mercenary who is a bad ass for hire. Oh and there is also Joey, some stupid kid that runs around whining all the time.

Personally now having read two of Johnson’s trilogy ‘Boy Series’ I am highly anticipating the upcoming third installment – The Pump Kimg Panic, slated for an early July release.

Editor’s Note: Oh shit… looks like we’re going to have a second sequel round coming up soon. Thank fuck I won’t have to read anything by Roosh V again.