On not meaning to be a dick
By Hot Bot
(book chosen by Beau Dashington)
I once went through a phase of downloading and reading pretty much any free book which came my way. Occasionally this was a good thing; usually it was a bad thing. No, scratch that—usually, it was a downright horrible thing. One example of particular horribleness was ‘Beauty Awakened: The Queen and the Honey’, and my Amazon review began “I read this book because it was free, and without reading a summary or any reviews. I was therefore pretty confused when it turned out to be a mix of a fairytale and BDSM erotica. I’m not entirely sure they’re genres that should be mixed”.
Imagine therefore my delight when the erudite gentlemen of the Piece of Shit Book Club assigned me my next reading: a fairy-tale! A fairy-tale called “The Princess and the Penis”! Perhaps I should have seen it coming (ayy)—after all, they libellously claimed that I am ‘no perfect princess’, and suggested that I need to get ‘in touch’ with myself. I think they were hoping I would relate to the princess in The Princess and the Penis (henceforth ‘P.A.T. Penis’) and therefore learn to explore my sexuality: following which I would naturally share my erotic adventures in the guise of a book review.
Clearly, the boys have been at sea too long if they think the mere mention of a p-word is going to scare me off. And so I launched into this book with gusto!
By the end of the first page, I was pretty sure I knew what my review was going to be about. I was already face-palming, at sentences such as: “To keep [the princess] safe from the greatest danger of all—men —[the king] surrounded her with three chaste companions and a special troop of guards sworn to defend her virtue” and “he wanted to keep her as pure as fresh snow… [until] her purity attracted a crown prince from one of the big kingdoms. He hoped such a union… would help his small impoverished kingdom of Westwich survive”. The whole idea of preventing someone from sexual knowledge or experience, let alone commodifying it, just hurts.
Happily, things improved. The premise of the book is that our retardedly-named protagonist, ‘Amalia’, is awoken one day by a giant phallic shape in her bed. Or a ‘lump in her rump’ to be more precise. A ‘pain in her butt’. And the thing is, these aren’t even my puns! (At this point, I realised that I may actually be slightly in love with the author.) Amalia’s father the king is very upset to hear about the mysterious lump—what if it affects his daughter’s purity? She is, after all, now betrothed to a certain ass-wipe by the name of Prince Rupert. Without giving too much away, no matter how many inspections of the princess’ room are conducted and no matter how many times her mattress is changed, night after night the princess finds herself sleeping with a massive dick-shaped lump. (And balls too, it should be mentioned. Anatomy is important at a time like this!) The princess eventually befriends it, cuddling up to at night time—and of course, this just wouldn’t be a fairy-tale unless someone (something?) was getting kissed at the end.
The puns and innuendo in this book are just magical. After the king suspects an interloper of sneaking into Amalia’s room at night, he throws a tanty. “Then he must be coming in elsewhere,” growled the king. “Empty the room and check every crack, crevice, and hole you see!” Now, before accusations that I just have a filthy mind start rolling in, almost every sentence is written with a double meaning: it’s clearly, clearly intentional. Though I was quietly disappointed at how the author spelled ‘coming’ in the above example. I’m going to blame spell check.
I should probably also give mention to the outlandish size of the mysterious member at hand (or in bed, as the case may be). Talking to her husband, the queen says that “they’ve never heard of one so enormous. Frankly, neither have I. It seems almost mythical.” (This is probably the best use of dramatic foreshadowing I’ve ever seen.) At the king’s presumably disgruntled expression, the queen hurries to add that “I only meant it was…unusual…by ordinary standards. Not that you’re in any way ordinary, my lord. Things can be mythical in many different ways.” Smooth. Real smooth.
I’m reading through my notes from this book as I write this, and it just gets better and better. One of Amalia’s salacious aunts asks her whether she might not be dreaming, “the same way you might dream of a snow cone on a hot summer day?” Amalia replies with an innocent “Why? Does this have to do with food?” to which the aunt responds “Not if you’re quick”. Not if you’re quick. I seriously can’t stop laughing.
I could keep banging on and on about the hilarious dick jokes in P.A.T. Penis, but there’s so much more to enjoy! The alliterative chapter titles, for example: the Phantom Phallus and the Wacky Wizard. The fact that the prose is both hysterical and well-written. The tongue-in-cheek (tongue?) morals.
As you may be gathering, while this book is not to everyone’s taste (and certainly, if you don’t enjoy sex-based jokes then you won’t like The Princess and the Penis… or this book review site for that matter, so what the hell are you still reading for?!), I actually loved it. I’m going to buy the rest of the series ASAP: I not only read the whole book with a grin on my face, but started holding story-time and reading it aloud to my friends.
To the sadistic gents of the PoS Book Club, this evens it out: I officially forgive you for the dino-porn. Maybe one day, in the distant future, I’ll even be able to watch Jurassic Park again.
Verdict: NOT a Piece of Shit.
The Princess and the Penis is available on Kindle here.