It Helps to Read the First Two Books
By Beau Dashington
(book chosen by PearTree)
Editor’s Note: I used to watch Star Trek with my father every Wednesday night through TNG, DSN, and Voyager. It was a time of bonding with my father and with the characters. It was my intention for Beau to get a more in depth, personal connection with the universe and a better understanding of where I came from. I guess starting him off on book three of a trilogy was a little misguided though… oh well.
I was quite surprised when I was assigned to read Star Trek Voyager: Shadow of Heaven – Dark Matters (Book Three of Three). I got super excited and hoped it would be a fan fiction book with bizarre space sex trysts, like Chakotay nailing Janeway. Or B’Ellana and Seven-of-Nine getting involved in some hot space scissor sisters action. At the very least, I was hoping Nelix and Tom Paris would play fiddlesticks. Normally I’m not into that kind of thing. But, you know… space makes a man lonely.
But alas; I realized this isn’t fan fiction. It is in fact a sanctioned piece of Star Trek literature. So no space sex, presumably. Full disclosure; I’m not a Trekkie (Trekker?). For me Star Trek has always been like those pornos where a she-male bangs an actual woman. I watch it sometimes when no one’s around, but I try not to make a habit of it because it makes me feel funny. Unless the tranny is really hot and doesn’t have gigantic hands. Then it’s totally normal. Because, you know… space.
So I’m not here to just pick on the Star Trek, but hey, this is the Piece of Shit Book Club™, and everyone is fair game for a bit of fun-poking.
The book opens with the first sentence informing us that “the entity was pleased with itself.” I have no idea who or what this entity is, but it does sound like a great nickname for somebody’s wang. Personally, I have always nicknamed by penis Dr. Ted Nelson. If you get that reference, then we really should be friends.
Anyway, the entity is just chilling in space. Meanwhile, Tom Paris is stranded in prison on some sort of planet. We don’t know why. Also, there are some important sounding and very powerful aliens called the Shepherds who are up to something or nothing. Chakotay is here but he’s unconscious, and once again, we don’t know why.
We learn that sometime in Book #2, a bunch of aliens forced Chakotay and Paris into “the Pit” to make them experience “the Ordeal”. We don’t know what that is, so let’s just assume that it’s sex-wrestling. Tom hangs out with Trima, who is a Culil. He is trying to the murder of Matroci, who was a Culil before Trima. I want to state for the record that I have literally no idea what the fuck I am talking about.
Oh wait, Chakotay isn’t here anymore. He’s gone. And Tom isn’t in a prison he’s in some village. Meanwhile, Captain Kathryn Janeway most certainly is in jail. Tuvok is hanging out with some Romulan guy called Telek. They have a mind meld so that Telek can prove he is telling the truth about something. In a sudden and unexplained twist, while Tuvok is trying to get Janeway out of prison. Telek is executed for being a traitor or something, so I guess he wasn’t that important.
Also, everyone is starting to express a serious concern about dark matter. Telek inexplicably reappears, and informs Tuvok that the Shepherds are the ones that manipulate the dark matter, and some of them may be trying to destroy the universe. Which sounds bad. Meanwhile, Harry Kim (Voyager’s token Asian) is trying to nail some sexy alien called Khala, while Seven of Nine (who, for the uninitiated, is a sexy robot) is trying to develop a sense of humour.
Chakotay goes to see some local alien doctor on the alien planet that he is on, who tells him that “his DNA is backwards.” Also, Chakotay’s cells start to disappear. Which also sounds bad. They tell him that… he is not from this universe (dramatic sound) and that his body is returning to its home universe one cell at a time. He figures it’s got to be that dark matter fucking shit up again. Typical.
Back on Voyager, the Doctor is telling
Wang Harry Kim that if he nails that sexy alien named Khala his DNA will go all fucking backwards, and he’ll start to disappear one cell at time too. He explains it’s because there’s two universes, and maybe they shouldn’t have tried to cross universes. Shit just got real. In true Star Trek tradition, Harry Kim decides he doesn’t give a fuck about backwards DNA and decides to fuck the sexy alien anyway. So we actually do get some space sex, though its light on detail.
The Romulans are about to attack Earth, so Tuvok calls a red alert. There’s a battle, but Voyager kicks ass and wins. And somebody – probably Tuvok – works out that Voyager is twenty years in the future, and that many of the gang are multiple versions of themselves in different universes. So they stop using the mutated dark matter, the Entity and the Shepherds fuck off, and Voyager continues on its journey home. The End. Oh, also the Entity was the ghost of someone called Kes.
After finishing the book, I do a little research, and find out that in the first couple books the Romulans were engaging in experiments to jump universes, and encountered Voyager at different times. So in this book there were actually multiple timelines and multiple universes. Which provides a lot of explanation as to why I had literally no fucking idea what was going on in this book.
So I have absolutely no idea if this book is any good or not, because it went completely over my head. Which is not what I thought would happen when I read a Star Trek book.
One last thing; while writing this post I found myself constantly Googling thinks like “Star Trek porn art” and “Voyager space sex” and I have to say that I am very disappointed in the Trekker community. Whereas there are a great deal of porno spoofs, including a pretty decent TOS cast and even one of TNG, there are shockingly few examples of Star Trek Voyager fan art where the Doctorfucks Nelix.
Come on people. Whatever happened to Rule 34? If any true Trekker out there can produce such a picture, then post it here, and bring peace to this weary space voyageur.