Hulk Hogan’s Titties – and other sordid details
by The Wildcard
(book selected by Beau Dashington)
The task of being a Piece of Shit Book Club reviewer is no mean feat. From true-life manimal romance to historical anti-Semitic diatribes, our saintly group of distinguished bibliophiles are on the front-lines of the literary shit war, saving the masses from the tyranny of lousy books. So when the selection committee tapped me to review Linda Hogan’s memoirs Wrestling the Hulk, I was both pleased and excited. For the uninitiated, Hogan is ex-wife of Terry Gene Bollea, the 12-time World Champion Wrestler, better known as Hulk Hogan. Having been something of a Hulkamaniac in my youth, I relished the opportunity to take a little peak into the private life of this impressive American legend.
The esteemed readers of PSBC are no doubt completely uninterested in a tawdry retelling of the Hogans’ intimate dalliances, so let us first dispatch with this odious task so we may quickly move on to more compelling aspects of the book. Hulk is an extremely smooth operator. Hulk consummated the relationship with his future ex-wife on their first date. Says Linda “how many people can say they fucked a giant?” Later, Linda recounts a humorous anecdote concerning the couple’s second sexual liaison in a hotel in Denver, Co. Post coitus, the two notice a brown gooey substance all over the sheets, prompting a round of mutual poo incriminations. Fortunately, when Hulk “Hulked up” and tastes the stain (!?!), he discovers it was only chocolate.
Linda informs us that when Hulk returned home after being on the road, he often enjoyed receiving oral, along with a “quick fuck”. As their marriage began to crumble, Hulk allegedly developed a penchant for adult pornography, watching it every night before bed. During this period, Hulk is said to be distant, less interested in intercourse, and instead more demanding of dick blow jobs. In cases where the Hulk’s ravenous sexual desires were not fulfilled to his requirements, Linda claims that he would “would get pissed off… curse at me, stomp his feet, and go sleep in the other bed room”.
Quite honestly, the book reads like the narcissistic deposition transcripts from the divorce proceedings of an extremely bitter and scorned divorcee. Linda, the endless martyr, takes credit for everything and responsibility for nothing. Linda, “the only [wresting] wife who travelled to every city” with her man, claims to have devised the Hulk’s signature shredded T-shirt look. She modestly takes credit for “changing the image of how people perceived wresting and the wrestlers outside the ring”. Heroically, she managed to run an entire household of one husband and two children with only one housekeeper but no nanny. Says Linda “I am one of those women who do too much. I’m like a camel: just load me up”.
Fans of Hulk will be disappointed to learn that he is actually a pretty bad person. In a bullet-point list, Linda accuses Hulk of being “abusive, controlling, selfish, demeaning, disrespectful, not trustworthy, unfaithful, liar, childish, non-communicative, user, dependent, depressive, manipulative, plotting, secretive, self-centered, conceited, gloating, calculating, insecure, sex addict, violent, sneaky, unhappy, cheater, backstabber, rude, delusional, victimizer, self-consumed, insensitive, on edge, negative, fear of change, possessive, brainwasher, antagonistic, no morals, no sense of family”. Hulk associates with miscreants, such as fellow wrestler Brutas “The Barber” Beefcake, “a man who should be dead by now”.
Towards the end of their marriage, the Hogans’ son, Nick, becomes involved in a terrible car accident, seriously injuring a passenger, while landing Nick in prison. Responsibility for this incident is pinned on Hulk. Possibly a result of his manipulative brainwashing? During this time, the Hogans’ daughter, Brooke, unsuccessfully pursues a successful music career. Unfortunately, Hulk is instrumental (pun intended) in the failure of this endeavor. The how and why are irrelevant. However, fear not fair readers, our story has a happy ending. After a messy divorce, we learn that Linda finds love and meaning with a 19 year old surfer, Charley. A relationship that “made news and changed history”.
The book is a petty and poorly written piece that lays bare the superficial trappings of modern American celebrity culture and lifestyle. There are endless references to tanning or being tanned, but seemingly instrumental characters in Hulk’s life, such as Macho Man Randy Savage, Miss Elizabeth and Captain Lou Albano, go unmentioned. Similarly, the record is completely silent regarding the proportions of Hulks member. Does it appear diminutive compared to otherwise massive proportions, or is it similarly Hulk-sized? It seems we’ll never know. On an unrelated note, this Hulkamaniac did not get any erections while reading this book.